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Monday, June 20, 2005

official announcement

WWW.IDF.IL
June 20, 2005
IDF SPOX UPDATE
An Israeli civilian killed and an Israeli wounded in a terrorist shooting attack
One Israeli civilian has been killed; and a second civilian has been lightly wounded, in a terrorist shooting attack in the village of Baka A-Sharkiya in the northern west bank. Two Israeli civilians, residents of the community of Hermesh, were traveling from the community, to the security crossing between the villages of Baka A-Sharkiya and Baka A-Garbiya. As they were traveling, a number of Palestinian gunmen, arriving from a southern direction, opened fire at them, hitting them. The Israeli civilians continued to drive towards the crossing, during which time their vehicle set on fire. Both civilians received initial medical treatment at the crossing by IDF medical personnel who were called to the scene; however one Israeli civilian died of his wounds. The other civilian was lightly wounded and was taken to hospital for further medical treatment. Searches are being conducted in the area in order to locate the terrorists who carried out this attack.

Let's have an official re-write exercise. How would you write this press release?

6 comments:

Two Dogs said...

The first paragraph is somewhat confusing to me. I think that the opening sentence should read; "Palestinian terrorists killed an Israeli citizen and wounded another." etal

This article makes it sound as if the gunmen did very little, until the final sentence and then it is not very clear.

Batya said...

I'd use a different verb.

Two Dogs said...

Murdered?

Batya said...

You've got it!

Next is to complain to the press office that put it out. And this is what people should be doing all the time when you hear that people died from a gun attack, when they were murdered by terrorists. Write to the editors.

Esther said...

You are ABSOLUTELY right!

Batya said...

There's so much power in words.