More on Jewish Mourning Customs

Even though the shiva/mourning candle may burn for seven days, actual mourning lasts longer, and the opportunity to comfort a mourner does not expire once the candle ceases to burn.

I know that many of us feel that if we "missed the shiva," didn't have the opportunity to get to a mourner's house to pay a "condolence call," or as it's called in Hebrew לנחם linachem, comfort the mourner/mourners during the  shiva, then it's just too late to do anything about it. That isn't the case at all.

Sometimes, because of a Jewish Holiday, there is no real shiva when one sits. That happened when my maternal grandmother passed away on the Eve of Passover when I was a little girl. She was buried just before the Seder, and her husband and children never had the chance to sit  shiva. My father died this year three days before my grandmother's yartzeit, and I sat until a few hours before the Seder. If I had been in New York for the funeral, I wouldn't have sat shiva at all. Actually I got up before he was even buried, a few hours before Passover, New York time.

When my brother passed away three months later, I flew to New York for the Friday funeral and got home with enough time to, again, sit shiva just three days.  And ever since then, people have been coming over to me to  לנחם linachem. It's really amazing. For the first two and a half weeks after I got up from sitting shiva for my brother, not a day passed without at least one person coming up to me with kind words and/or the traditional Jewish greeting/wishes/farewell to a mourner. A couple of times, people stopped their car and reversed to speak to me, even offering me rides as they apologized for not getting to one of both of the  shivas.

Customers and friends would come up to me at work. And even on Shabbat, people seeing me would say kind comforting words.

I must say that from this I definitely learned a lot. I learned that it's never too late to comfort and mouner and how much the mourner truly appreciates the words and feelings.

Thanks to all...

My father and brother enjoying a relative's backyard pool. They died only three months apart, not all that long ago.

Sitting Shiva, Showing Home Movies and Other Tips

I'm almost finished sitting shiva for my brother. Just over two hours left. Soon I'll change out of my shiva "outfit," the same clothes I've been wearing since leaving for his funeral. Except for Shabbat, I've been wearing the very same outer clothes, skirt and two-layer top. The outer shirt was ripped at the funeral in one of the Jewish customs.

When we sit shiva, weeklong Jewish mourning, one is supposed to ignore the usual dressing and grooming care. No hairbrushing or clean clothes. Also no bathing. Yes for sure, I'm looking forward to taking a shower, shampoo and putting on something clean!

The night before my brother's funeral I was at my New York daughter's, and she took out a set of DVDs that my brother had made from our old home movies. We watched a couple of hours worth. She gave me the package, and I took them home. Yesterday I decided to put them on to watch and turned off the sound. The sound was just some musical accompaniment the "film to DVD" place had added. In the 1950's and early sixties, home movies were silent.

So, in addition to the little album my eldest daughter had made before I left Israel for the funeral, I now had moving pictures of my brother and our family life way back when to show those who came to לנחם linachem, comfort me. These family movies were from about 1956-1960, if I'm not mistaken. There are additional DVDs that follow my parents and us well into the early 1980s when we moved to Shiloh.

Here I am riding my bicycle near our last* Bell Park Gardens, Bayside, NY apartment, 67-62 Springfield Blvd.

I moved the low chair I had been sitting in to a place I could also see the screen, and I'd talk about my brother and the world in which we grew up.

One advantage of showing the home movies over the picture album, which people continued to look at especially since it included photos from his entire life up to a few weeks before my brother died, was because pretty much everyone in the room could see it at once.

Few of those who came had any real idea of what it was like in a place like Bell Park Gardens, which was such an important formative part of our childhood. My brother was ten when we moved to Great Neck. Seeing us and it, in faded color, brought my stories to life far superior to even the most descriptive words.

And for me it was very meaningful and comforting to see my family, parents, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, friends and the locations which loved and shaped us all.

*We lived in three different apartments in Bell Park Gardens from December 1949- August 1962.

Shiva Visitors, How to Behave When Trying to Comfort a Mourner

As I find myself sitting shiva, in the Jewish mode of mourning for the second time in three months, I'd like to say a few things.

First of all, the Halachot, Jewish Laws of Mourning are the most humane and psychologically brilliant of any society or religion.

In short, totally laymen's terms:

• The mourner, who is a child of, spouse, sibling or parent of the dead should be cared for.
• The mourner is not supposed to shop, cook, clean (even bathe except for certain conditions) or entertain/serve food.
• Visitors and "helpers" are supposed to make sure the mourner has sufficient food etc.
• The word "shiva" means "seven," and, unless a Jewish Holiday interrupts the seven days, the mourner observes seven days of mourning/shiva.

The mourner is expected to mourn. In Hebrew we use the term "comforter" for "shiva visitor." A "shiva visitor" is not a guest. The mourner is not supposed to host/feed/entertain. And the "shiva visitor" is not supposed to cheer up or entertain the mourner with his/her own stories, jokes, news reports etc. A "shiva visitor" is only supposed to speak when spoken to by the mourner. Yes, even if you find yourself rather " ignored,"this isn't a matter of your ego.

Quite often the mourner will have pictures of the dead person to show those who came to comfort. It's generally acceptable to ask something about them, about the dead person. But if your question is ignored, don't press for an answer. Don't change the subject. Follow the lead of the mourner. 

Since the mourner isn't supposed to cook/shop/prepare food, it's common in Jewish communities to share and assign these responsibilities and also make sure that the mourner is not alone at home. When only one member of the family, or not all of the family, is sitting shiva, then other family members try to do the helping. This can be shared with the neighbors. Here in Shiloh, there's generally a neighbor in charge to make sure that each day and each meal is covered. When a large family is sitting shiva, then those two responsibilities are split. 

If you have any questions or additions, please add in the comments, thanks.

Here are a couple of articles that may help you:

• How to Make a Shiva Call
• Visiting a Shiva Home

Mourning, Comfort and Forgiving

It probably seems strange timing to write this post barely a couple of days after my son's wedding, but it's preying on my mind and must get out.  Yes, "preying" is the right word.

to prey

1

: to make raids for the sake of booty

2

a : to seize and devour prey

b : to commit violence or robbery or fraud

3

: to have an injurious, destructive, or wasting effect prey

ed upon his mind*

Less than two months ago my mother passed away.  It was the first time I became a mourner, in the halachik Jewish Law status.  I've learned a lot during this period of time.  I'm constantly amazed by the continued comfort and special greetings I get from neighbors and others who apologize for having missed the opportunity to comfort me during the shiva, the seven day mourning period when a mourner is supposed to cease all mundane activities and allow others to care for him/her. 

Living in a community of just a few hundred families, I can't say that I know everyone, but generally news like births and deaths are known.  We make efforts to help when help is needed, even when it's not to close friends.  That's a community.  I've benefited many, many times when my requests for rides home late at night from work are answered by people I've never even met.  Even over a month after getting up from shiva, my neighbors still stop me in the street to apologize for not visiting.

My only negative surprise was from people not here whom I had really expected to have called.  I had gotten promises of help from them before my mother died, and they certainly knew of her death... but not a word.  Davka, I had worked hard to calm down and dilute the anger for a friend who had experienced a similar thing complained to me.  We came to the conclusion that those who are further from a Torah observant life are less aware of the importance of comforting a mourner and in many cases don't realize that the period extends much longer than the shiva.  Also, when it's a mitzvah, Torah commandment, people do make an extra effort; it's not just an optional social event.  Another thing people don't realize is that the mourning/comfort extends much longer than shiva and even shloshim, the first thirty days after burial.

Chazal, our sages say that the funeral is to honor the dead and the shiva is for the bereaved.

When I very recently saw the people I had been expecting to hear from I kept waiting for words of comfort, even belated.  I gently got to the subject of my mother to fully ascertain that they really knew of her death.  I'm so used to living with people who are attuned to traditional Judaism, that I had trouble accepting that these other people haven't a clue that their behavior wasn't acceptable, a major faux pas for sure on both sides.  My anger, resentment isn't acceptable either.  It festers and must be destroyed.  We must learn to stamp out such feelings and smash them to smithereens like the glass broken to symbolize the destruction of Jerusalem at weddings.

*emphasis mine

Post-Shiva: Catching Up on The News

This morning I just got up from sitting shiva for my mother.  It's a strange coincidence that today is the seventeenth 17th of Tammuz and the Jewish World is entering the very sad period of the Three Weeks which commemorates the destruction of our ancient Holy Temples.  So I'm not the only Jew not celebrating, not listening to music etc.

During the seven days of shiva for my mother and the days from the announcement until the funeral I pretty much ignored the news.  Now, I'm trying to catch up. I only got on the computer to check emails and I blogged about my mother, her funeral and shiva.  I also kept a journal at the advice of David Bedein, after I had complained of boredom especially due to the restrictions in reading subjects.  According to Jewish Law, especially in the shiva and pre-funeral status one isn't supposed to read pleasant subjects and occupy oneself with things unrelated to the burial and mourning, watch television programs etc.

Now that I'm up from the most intensive stage of mourning, it's time to see what has been going on in the world.

I had planned on attending the Shimon Peres President Conference, as I had done last year.  It's not that I'm a great fan and admirer of Israel's President Shimon Peres, but last year I discovered that there are some very interesting sessions. It's not good to isolate oneself from those of other opinions.  G-d willing I'll attend next year's.

After over a week of not watching, reading or listening to the news I don't think I missed anything.  Today's article in the Jerusalem Post, Netanyahu urges Palestinians to start talks, and stay at them , is just too similar to those I've been reading for years. 

Western diplomats tell Israeli media PM willing to release prisoners, freeze settlement building in return for Abbas giving up demand to start talks based on '67 lines; Erekat denies report, says PA won't give up preconditions.

As it is written in Kohelet, Ecclesiastes, "nothing's new."

One of the first things I checked after getting up was Caroline Glick and her Latma broadcast.

Latma interviews the new moderate Iranian President and celebrates with Shimon Peres among other topics.

I had also missed Ruthie Blum's latest article.  Here it is,Jordanian teens give honor killings high ratings:

A new study released on Thursday by Cambridge University’s Institute of Criminology is getting a lot of publicity for what it suggests about societal norms in Jordan. The study, conducted by Professor Manuel Eisner and graduate student Lana Ghuneim, reveals that a large number of teenagers in the Hashemite Kingdom not only consider honor killings to be legally just, but advocate them on moral grounds.

Read more: http://communities.washingtontimes.com/neighborhood/right-angles/2013/jun/22/jordanian-teens-give-honor-killings-high-ratings/#ixzz2XEYGagsk
Follow us: @wtcommunities on Twitter

So if this is the prevailing culture in Jordan, what can we expect from the Arabs here?

Dent left by shooting on the bus

Samaria Regional Authority

 

The Blessing of a Full Shiva

"Shiva" is actually the Hebrew word for seven 7 שבע sheva.  The same linguistic root for week שבוע shavu'a and oath שְׁבוְּעָה shvu'ah. And just to make things more interesting, the letter שְׁ the "sh" sound has a little dot on the top right.  If you move it to the left, the sound is like an "s." Then the Hebrew שבע sava  means satisfied.

So since my mother died on the 7th of Tamuz, and there's no Jewish Holiday to cancel shiva I get the full seven days, including a Shabbat and time to have been at the funeral, sat with family, was comforted by friends in New York, then flew to Israel to be home in Shiloh, and I still have a full two days of shiva left.

I'm back in my "shiva uniform," ripped shirt and all.

Jewish Funerals and Jewish Mourning Customs

I was going to post about security, politics, the more usual topics, but considering that I had been at two funerals and a wedding in less than twenty-four hours, the funerals are weighing in more on my thoughts than the lofty news in the media.

Unfortunately, in the almost forty-three years I've been in Israel I've attended dozens and dozens of funerals.  Some have been under the broiling, bright sun and others have been late at night, even starting after midnight.

According to Jewish Law, one is to have the funeral as soon, as quickly as possible, because it's considered cruel to the body to make it wait for burial.

In Shiloh we have adopted the Jerusalem custom of nighttime funerals, sometimes just a few hours after death.  Scheduling a funeral for midnight or later is not unheard of, especially when the person had died on Shabbat.  That's what happened just this Saturday night in Shiloh.  It was the second time in recent months when a neighbor died on Shabbat or minutes later, and then we buried him a few hours after Shabbat.

Our Chevra Kadisha, burial society, is local and quickly prepares the pre-dug grave in the local cemetery.  A few months ago, it was winter, so Shabbat ended early, and we had time for a "two stop" funeral.  The custom is to take the body to his/her home, synagogue etc. on the way to the cemetery.  That neighbor had a sizable part of his funeral by the yeshiva where he had worked and studied for over thirty years.  Then we took him to the cemetery for the final prayers, eulogies and burial.  We arrived home after 2am.

Saturday night, being spring, after Shabbat was very late, so the family decided to do the entire formal funeral service at the cemetery.  There were a number of eulogies from members of his large family.  And then he was buried in the Land he loved so enormously.

Jewish Law does not demand that people dress in "formal black" for a funeral.  We don't dress up like that.  It's a Christian custom. 

At an Israeli funeral you'll see bright colors and prints on the mourning family and friends.  The official halachik, according to Jewish Law, mourners know that their shirts will be ripped.  The ripped clothes will be worn the entire weeklong shiva period, except for Shabbat.  Bathing and combing of hair also isn't permitted except before Shabbat.  Shabbat overrides mourning. 

There are mourning customs that continue for thirty days after death, such as no shaving/haircutting, new clothes, listening to music and more.  If one is mourning for a parent, most of those restrictions continue for eleven months or a year.  Jewish holidays, such as Rosh Hashnnah, Yom Kippur, Shavuot and first day of Succot and of Passover cancel the shiva and thirty day שלושים shloshim restrictions.   For more details about it, contact your local Orthodox Rabbi, LOR or other expert source.

During shiva, the mourners should be cared for by friends and relatives who are not required to sit shiva.  Food should be prepared, phones answered etc.  The mourner may talk on the phone but it's nicer if someone else answers to make sure all the calls are necessary.

It's not the purpose of shiva to entertain visitors.  It's customary to bring food the mourner can eat or serve to those who had come from afar.  Sfardim, Jews from North Africa have the custom of providing various foods for the visitor to say blessings out loud.  Some, like the Yemenites, have feasts every night to honor the dead.

Li'ilu'i nishmatam

May their souls be elevated...

Getting Up From Shiva, Jewish Mourning

This morning, before going over to my friend to "get her up" from mouring, I quickly did an internet search to check if there's something to say, along with the "getting her up and out."

Aish's site had the clearest instructions:

The seventh and final day of shiva is observed for only a few short hours, although this counts as a whole day. After the last Shacharit service, the mourners sit low again for a short time. Then those who have come to comfort the mourners say to them, "Arise." The comforters then say:

No more will your sun set, nor your moon be darkened, for God will be an eternal light for you, and your days of mourning shall end. (Isaiah 60:20)

Like a man whose mother consoles him, so shall I console you, and you shall be consoled in Jerusalem. (Isaiah 66:13)

The mourners acknowledge that the shiva is over by leaving the shiva house publicly for the first time, taking a short walk around the block with those who have come to comfort them.

So, that's what we did. And then I walked her back to her door so she could back to her life.