Jewish Funerals and Mourning in Israel

Israel, being a Jewish country, and nothing bringing out traditional Jewish values more than death, funerals are much better attended than in most other places.

Recently a neighbor passed away, and people came from all over to pay final respects.

According to Jewish Law/Tradition, the funeral is to honor the dead person. In my experience, being given time off from work to attend a funeral of a friend or neighbor is relatively easy in Israel. And if the dead person is a relative, there isn't 'even a question. Everyone knows that it's a requirement.

Children also attend funerals and memorial events in cemeteries. Death is part of life, and many children are taught about it at the youngest ages. Death isn't hidden.

Our memorial ceremonies, and funerals, include ordinary people talking about, and to, the dead person.

We don't dress up for a funeral in black, and neither does the family. More accurately, the immediate family, the official mourners --children, parent, spouse, sibling of the dead person-- certainly don't dress up in "proper black suits," like you'd see in traditional christian countries. Many Israelis, even those not all that religiously observant, follow the custom of having their shirt/jacket ripped at the funeral. The ripped clothing is worn for the week of mourning, shiva, except for Shabbat. Yes, the same clothing is worn the entire week, except for Shabbat. Hair isn't combed/styled or washed.

The mourner isn't supposed to take care of him/herself. Neighbors and more distant relatives are expected to cook, shop and straighten the house during the shiva week. Mourners are not told to ignore their pain and shock. They aren't supposed to be distracted from it by taking care of their routine household needs.

Shiva visitors are called "comforters." The proper Hebrew term for visiting a mourner is to "comfort" the mourner. Proper conversation during a shiva call is to ask the mourner about the dead person. Side conversations among visitors isn't acceptable behavior. It's not a social call. The center of attention must be the mourner, and if the mourner doesn't feel capable of speaking, it's permitted to ask to see a photo of the dead and see if that helps the mourner.

Serve the mourner; don't expect the mourner to be a host.

Many experts in human psychology say that the Jewish Laws and customs for mourners are most suited for the needs of a mourner.

When you leave the mourner, you say Hamakom yinachem... May the Place/Gd give you comfort...

Pictures from the funeral and cemetery

 

As usual, I had my trusty old camera with me at my mother's funeral.  I may have taken some of the pictures, for sure those before the actual funeral.  Then I'm pretty sure I handed it to a friend.  My mother is buried in the New Montefiore  Cemetery out on Long Island.  We got off at Exit 49 on the LIE and drove south.

My parents had bought their burial plots there in the Oakland Jewish Center section in about 1959. 

I'm pretty sure they lived next to us when we
were in the five room duplex in Bell Park Gardens.

They were founding members of the shul, Oakland Jewish Center, Bayside NY.  I was hoping to see lots of people I knew, I mean their names on tombstones.  No doubt I'll be back, and then I'll find their old friends.

My father has a lot of relatives in the Neshelsk (a city in Poland that once had a very large active Jewish community) section of a different cemetery.  A cousin was there visiting her parents and grandparents in between my mother's death and funeral.  She told them the news about my mother.

My mother's grave is near one of the outside walls.  It was pretty noisy, but that shouldn't bother her now.

Covering the grave was a group effort.  Due to a shoulder injury I was pretty useless with the shovel.  But I did drop a stone from Shiloh into the grave.  I had brought it with me to make sure my mother had something special from ארץ ישראל Eretz Yisrael, the Land of Israel.  Most of my mother's grandchildren and all of her great-grandchildren are in Israel.

I was surprised at how much deeper she's buried than we do here in Israel.  There are other differences, the American legally required coffin versus just the shrouds wrapped in a Tallit.  No, I didn't take up the offer to check/see the body.  My brother was pleased at how the shroud covered her.  She was in the simple coffin as all traditional Jews request.  There are many more "traditional Jews" when it comes to burials than living and breathing Jews.

In my community, Shiloh, Israel, actual "kri'ah," ripping of the clothes is the accepted standard.  My high school friend, with whom I had become religious almost fifty years ago,  did the first cut with a knife and Rabbi Dale Polakoff of the Great Neck Synagogue supervised, making sure that the rip was long enough.

Rabbi Polakoff made sure that my mother was well covered.  When the family and friends were gathering to leave, we could still he him heaving the earth onto my mother.  He was overheard telling the cemetery workers that he would take care of it himself.  I'd say that the Great Neck Synagogue is in good hands.

Baruch Dayan Ha'Emet

 

Shirley Spiegelman

שפרה בת אברהם וחיה ריזיה

Shifra bat Avraham and Chaya Raisia

 

לעילוי נשמתה

Li'ilu'i Nishmata

May her Soul be Elevated

The Blessing of a Full Shiva

"Shiva" is actually the Hebrew word for seven 7 שבע sheva.  The same linguistic root for week שבוע shavu'a and oath שְׁבוְּעָה shvu'ah. And just to make things more interesting, the letter שְׁ the "sh" sound has a little dot on the top right.  If you move it to the left, the sound is like an "s." Then the Hebrew שבע sava  means satisfied.

So since my mother died on the 7th of Tamuz, and there's no Jewish Holiday to cancel shiva I get the full seven days, including a Shabbat and time to have been at the funeral, sat with family, was comforted by friends in New York, then flew to Israel to be home in Shiloh, and I still have a full two days of shiva left.

I'm back in my "shiva uniform," ripped shirt and all.

Jewish Funerals and Jewish Mourning Customs

I was going to post about security, politics, the more usual topics, but considering that I had been at two funerals and a wedding in less than twenty-four hours, the funerals are weighing in more on my thoughts than the lofty news in the media.

Unfortunately, in the almost forty-three years I've been in Israel I've attended dozens and dozens of funerals.  Some have been under the broiling, bright sun and others have been late at night, even starting after midnight.

According to Jewish Law, one is to have the funeral as soon, as quickly as possible, because it's considered cruel to the body to make it wait for burial.

In Shiloh we have adopted the Jerusalem custom of nighttime funerals, sometimes just a few hours after death.  Scheduling a funeral for midnight or later is not unheard of, especially when the person had died on Shabbat.  That's what happened just this Saturday night in Shiloh.  It was the second time in recent months when a neighbor died on Shabbat or minutes later, and then we buried him a few hours after Shabbat.

Our Chevra Kadisha, burial society, is local and quickly prepares the pre-dug grave in the local cemetery.  A few months ago, it was winter, so Shabbat ended early, and we had time for a "two stop" funeral.  The custom is to take the body to his/her home, synagogue etc. on the way to the cemetery.  That neighbor had a sizable part of his funeral by the yeshiva where he had worked and studied for over thirty years.  Then we took him to the cemetery for the final prayers, eulogies and burial.  We arrived home after 2am.

Saturday night, being spring, after Shabbat was very late, so the family decided to do the entire formal funeral service at the cemetery.  There were a number of eulogies from members of his large family.  And then he was buried in the Land he loved so enormously.

Jewish Law does not demand that people dress in "formal black" for a funeral.  We don't dress up like that.  It's a Christian custom. 

At an Israeli funeral you'll see bright colors and prints on the mourning family and friends.  The official halachik, according to Jewish Law, mourners know that their shirts will be ripped.  The ripped clothes will be worn the entire weeklong shiva period, except for Shabbat.  Bathing and combing of hair also isn't permitted except before Shabbat.  Shabbat overrides mourning. 

There are mourning customs that continue for thirty days after death, such as no shaving/haircutting, new clothes, listening to music and more.  If one is mourning for a parent, most of those restrictions continue for eleven months or a year.  Jewish holidays, such as Rosh Hashnnah, Yom Kippur, Shavuot and first day of Succot and of Passover cancel the shiva and thirty day שלושים shloshim restrictions.   For more details about it, contact your local Orthodox Rabbi, LOR or other expert source.

During shiva, the mourners should be cared for by friends and relatives who are not required to sit shiva.  Food should be prepared, phones answered etc.  The mourner may talk on the phone but it's nicer if someone else answers to make sure all the calls are necessary.

It's not the purpose of shiva to entertain visitors.  It's customary to bring food the mourner can eat or serve to those who had come from afar.  Sfardim, Jews from North Africa have the custom of providing various foods for the visitor to say blessings out loud.  Some, like the Yemenites, have feasts every night to honor the dead.

Li'ilu'i nishmatam

May their souls be elevated...