Only in Israel, Terror Victims, Cared for by All

Decades ago, when a horrendous fatal car accident halved a local family, the injured survivors were cared for in the same hospital room, where they sat shiva together. Many times since, I've seen pictures of hospitalized family members, of both sexes and various ages, in the same hospital room. It's a very humane and comforting policy, which doesn't exist in other countries.

The young couple, Shira and Amichai Ish-Ran, who as a result of an Arab terror attack outside of Ofra, not only were injured, but as a result of Shira's injury, their baby didn't survive. They are now together in Shaare Tzedek Hospital in the same room. Obviously, after such physical, medical and emotional trauma, they have a lot to deal with. Separation would have only made it worse.

According to Jewish Law, there's no mourning, shiva-all the usual restrictions, after the death of a tiny baby under a month old, so friends came to sing to them.



Do you see this in other countries? Only in Israel.

Jewish Funerals and Mourning in Israel

Israel, being a Jewish country, and nothing bringing out traditional Jewish values more than death, funerals are much better attended than in most other places.

Recently a neighbor passed away, and people came from all over to pay final respects.

According to Jewish Law/Tradition, the funeral is to honor the dead person. In my experience, being given time off from work to attend a funeral of a friend or neighbor is relatively easy in Israel. And if the dead person is a relative, there isn't 'even a question. Everyone knows that it's a requirement.

Children also attend funerals and memorial events in cemeteries. Death is part of life, and many children are taught about it at the youngest ages. Death isn't hidden.

Our memorial ceremonies, and funerals, include ordinary people talking about, and to, the dead person.

We don't dress up for a funeral in black, and neither does the family. More accurately, the immediate family, the official mourners --children, parent, spouse, sibling of the dead person-- certainly don't dress up in "proper black suits," like you'd see in traditional christian countries. Many Israelis, even those not all that religiously observant, follow the custom of having their shirt/jacket ripped at the funeral. The ripped clothing is worn for the week of mourning, shiva, except for Shabbat. Yes, the same clothing is worn the entire week, except for Shabbat. Hair isn't combed/styled or washed.

The mourner isn't supposed to take care of him/herself. Neighbors and more distant relatives are expected to cook, shop and straighten the house during the shiva week. Mourners are not told to ignore their pain and shock. They aren't supposed to be distracted from it by taking care of their routine household needs.

Shiva visitors are called "comforters." The proper Hebrew term for visiting a mourner is to "comfort" the mourner. Proper conversation during a shiva call is to ask the mourner about the dead person. Side conversations among visitors isn't acceptable behavior. It's not a social call. The center of attention must be the mourner, and if the mourner doesn't feel capable of speaking, it's permitted to ask to see a photo of the dead and see if that helps the mourner.

Serve the mourner; don't expect the mourner to be a host.

Many experts in human psychology say that the Jewish Laws and customs for mourners are most suited for the needs of a mourner.

When you leave the mourner, you say Hamakom yinachem... May the Place/Gd give you comfort...

Mulling Over Succot and The Fragility of Life

There's a great irony in the Jewish Holiday of Succot. It's called זמן שמחתינו Zman Simchateinu, The Time (Holiday) of Our Joy. We're specifically commanded  to be "happy" and celebrate, but at the same time, we must move out of our permanent homes and "live" in a succah with a temporary removable roof.

Nu, what if it rains? How can we keep out the bugs, bees and animals? What type of crazy "festive" holiday is this?

Don't forget that Jews in other parts of the world have to contend with weather a lot more extreme than here in the Holyland.

For many Jews, the logistics of the Succot Holiday are a total nightmare if you try to observe it in an actual succah. Here in Israel it's very common for buildings to be designed with the holiday in mind. There will be uncovered terraces. In other parts of the world, there are even legal problems in having a "hut" for eating and sleeping even for just over a week. And even here in Israel, many people live in places which don't have easily available or designated succah locations. The logistics of a building, neighborhood or other type of communal succah can be a nightmare. And it also happens that sometimes here there are winds and storms that blow off the sechach, special temporary roof of the succah or the succah itself in the middle of the holiday.

Gd designed/created the Succot Holiday to remind us of the fragility of life in This World. Succot is also one of the holidays that cancels or postpones the shiva, mourning period. One is commanded to be joyful, even when a close relative has died and just been buried. The joy of the holiday overrides personal mourning. And if a family member dies and is buried during the holiday, then the shiva is postponed until afterwards. We are first Jews who worship Gd and celebrate His Holidays, then we are individuals. Our personal feelings are secondary to Gd's mitzvot, commandments.

The Succot Holiday is when we are commanded to find the Joy in All that Gd has given us.

חג סוכות שמח

Chag Succot Sameach

Have a Joyful Succot Holiday

Music, Mourning and Songs

Yesterday I saw a question on Facebook asking how, double-davka, during Sefira, when the Jewish People are forbidden joyous activities like live music, is there live music during many of the official Soldiers and Terror Victims Memorial Day ceremonies.

Shiloh's Soldiers and Terror Victims Memorial Day Ceremony, 5777, 2017

Shiloh's Soldiers and Terror Victims Memorial Day Ceremony, 5777, 2017

I remember the first time I came across live music during a time of mourning, it was at a memorial ceremony for a friend, during the first year of mourning when live music is forbidden for the children of the dead, when one of her children played a sad song on a musical instrument, which her dead mother had loved. I was surprised, but considering how little I know of Jewish Law, I figured that it must have been very important to the family and approved by the local rabbi.

At funerals for veterans of the Pre-State Jewish Undergrounds, Etzel and Lechi, we'd always sing Shir Betar and Chayalim Almonim, (Anonymous Fighters) by the grave in honor of the dead. The first time I experienced such a funeral, it was unexpected, but then I thought a bit about those two special songs and realized that they are more like prayers.

Except for the Shofar on Rosh Hashana, musical instruments are forbidden on Shabbat and Jewish Holidays, even though music can certainly add to the occasion. Music is voice and can express joy and sadness. That is certainly what the live music did last night at our memorial ceremony in Shiloh. There was nothing joyful in the music that was played, besides seeing the talents of our young neighbors.

And even more than that, the mournful sounds coming out of those instruments are what is needed at times when there are no words...

More on Jewish Mourning Customs

Even though the shiva/mourning candle may burn for seven days, actual mourning lasts longer, and the opportunity to comfort a mourner does not expire once the candle ceases to burn.

I know that many of us feel that if we "missed the shiva," didn't have the opportunity to get to a mourner's house to pay a "condolence call," or as it's called in Hebrew לנחם linachem, comfort the mourner/mourners during the  shiva, then it's just too late to do anything about it. That isn't the case at all.

Sometimes, because of a Jewish Holiday, there is no real shiva when one sits. That happened when my maternal grandmother passed away on the Eve of Passover when I was a little girl. She was buried just before the Seder, and her husband and children never had the chance to sit  shiva. My father died this year three days before my grandmother's yartzeit, and I sat until a few hours before the Seder. If I had been in New York for the funeral, I wouldn't have sat shiva at all. Actually I got up before he was even buried, a few hours before Passover, New York time.

When my brother passed away three months later, I flew to New York for the Friday funeral and got home with enough time to, again, sit shiva just three days.  And ever since then, people have been coming over to me to  לנחם linachem. It's really amazing. For the first two and a half weeks after I got up from sitting shiva for my brother, not a day passed without at least one person coming up to me with kind words and/or the traditional Jewish greeting/wishes/farewell to a mourner. A couple of times, people stopped their car and reversed to speak to me, even offering me rides as they apologized for not getting to one of both of the  shivas.

Customers and friends would come up to me at work. And even on Shabbat, people seeing me would say kind comforting words.

I must say that from this I definitely learned a lot. I learned that it's never too late to comfort and mouner and how much the mourner truly appreciates the words and feelings.

Thanks to all...

My father and brother enjoying a relative's backyard pool. They died only three months apart, not all that long ago.

Sitting Shiva, Showing Home Movies and Other Tips

I'm almost finished sitting shiva for my brother. Just over two hours left. Soon I'll change out of my shiva "outfit," the same clothes I've been wearing since leaving for his funeral. Except for Shabbat, I've been wearing the very same outer clothes, skirt and two-layer top. The outer shirt was ripped at the funeral in one of the Jewish customs.

When we sit shiva, weeklong Jewish mourning, one is supposed to ignore the usual dressing and grooming care. No hairbrushing or clean clothes. Also no bathing. Yes for sure, I'm looking forward to taking a shower, shampoo and putting on something clean!

The night before my brother's funeral I was at my New York daughter's, and she took out a set of DVDs that my brother had made from our old home movies. We watched a couple of hours worth. She gave me the package, and I took them home. Yesterday I decided to put them on to watch and turned off the sound. The sound was just some musical accompaniment the "film to DVD" place had added. In the 1950's and early sixties, home movies were silent.

So, in addition to the little album my eldest daughter had made before I left Israel for the funeral, I now had moving pictures of my brother and our family life way back when to show those who came to לנחם linachem, comfort me. These family movies were from about 1956-1960, if I'm not mistaken. There are additional DVDs that follow my parents and us well into the early 1980s when we moved to Shiloh.

Here I am riding my bicycle near our last* Bell Park Gardens, Bayside, NY apartment, 67-62 Springfield Blvd.

I moved the low chair I had been sitting in to a place I could also see the screen, and I'd talk about my brother and the world in which we grew up.

One advantage of showing the home movies over the picture album, which people continued to look at especially since it included photos from his entire life up to a few weeks before my brother died, was because pretty much everyone in the room could see it at once.

Few of those who came had any real idea of what it was like in a place like Bell Park Gardens, which was such an important formative part of our childhood. My brother was ten when we moved to Great Neck. Seeing us and it, in faded color, brought my stories to life far superior to even the most descriptive words.

And for me it was very meaningful and comforting to see my family, parents, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, friends and the locations which loved and shaped us all.

*We lived in three different apartments in Bell Park Gardens from December 1949- August 1962.

Shiva Visitors, How to Behave When Trying to Comfort a Mourner

As I find myself sitting shiva, in the Jewish mode of mourning for the second time in three months, I'd like to say a few things.

First of all, the Halachot, Jewish Laws of Mourning are the most humane and psychologically brilliant of any society or religion.

In short, totally laymen's terms:

• The mourner, who is a child of, spouse, sibling or parent of the dead should be cared for.
• The mourner is not supposed to shop, cook, clean (even bathe except for certain conditions) or entertain/serve food.
• Visitors and "helpers" are supposed to make sure the mourner has sufficient food etc.
• The word "shiva" means "seven," and, unless a Jewish Holiday interrupts the seven days, the mourner observes seven days of mourning/shiva.

The mourner is expected to mourn. In Hebrew we use the term "comforter" for "shiva visitor." A "shiva visitor" is not a guest. The mourner is not supposed to host/feed/entertain. And the "shiva visitor" is not supposed to cheer up or entertain the mourner with his/her own stories, jokes, news reports etc. A "shiva visitor" is only supposed to speak when spoken to by the mourner. Yes, even if you find yourself rather " ignored,"this isn't a matter of your ego.

Quite often the mourner will have pictures of the dead person to show those who came to comfort. It's generally acceptable to ask something about them, about the dead person. But if your question is ignored, don't press for an answer. Don't change the subject. Follow the lead of the mourner. 

Since the mourner isn't supposed to cook/shop/prepare food, it's common in Jewish communities to share and assign these responsibilities and also make sure that the mourner is not alone at home. When only one member of the family, or not all of the family, is sitting shiva, then other family members try to do the helping. This can be shared with the neighbors. Here in Shiloh, there's generally a neighbor in charge to make sure that each day and each meal is covered. When a large family is sitting shiva, then those two responsibilities are split. 

If you have any questions or additions, please add in the comments, thanks.

Here are a couple of articles that may help you:

• How to Make a Shiva Call
• Visiting a Shiva Home

Holocaust Memorial Day, Worse to Come?

Credit: United with Israel

One of the big adjustments for me as a mourner of a parent, a status that lasts a Jewish Year, is that I'm not permitted to watch my usual entertainment on the television, or my favorite movies--mostly old musicals-- on DVD. I've been listening to a lot of shiurim, Torah and Tanach (Bible) classes from the computer, mostly Matan where I study, and I have no problem with newscasts.

In Israel there are two days a year when all the television programs suit the restrictions of mourners. As according to Jewish Tradition, the day begins at night, so last night on the Eve of Holocaust Memorial Day there were all sorts of television shows about the Holocaust, survivors etc. One I found particularly annoying and political; it was on Israel's Chanel 1. Their news editors do their best to turn even the weather into complaints about the government, and they had an "expose`" of sorts emphasizing the difficulties many elderly "survivors" have financially and how some sort of fall between the bureaucratic cracks, because they don't fit the clerical and/or legal definition of "survivor."  They may have been too young or escaped too early or stayed in Europe too long to get German reparations which helped so many people financially. And now they are decades past retirement age, and like many elderly, have serious financial problems which they hope the Israeli Government can solve.  I changed channels.

I caught another program with interviews and films of survivors returning to their "former homes/countries" where they had suffered. There was also a Holocaust movie with Daniel Craig that I watched a bit until they had a crazy scene that meshed together Jewish wedding music and a battle.

Everyday fewer and fewer survivors, witnesses to the atrocities of the Nazis and too many others remain alive and/or capable of telling their tales. Yad Veshem and the Steven Spielberg Film and Video Archive are rushing to film and tape everyone who can possibly tell a first person tale of the Holocaust and survival. A friend of mine and her siblings recently accompanied their father back to Europe on a trip filmed by one of these groups.

The Holocaust was a very black and evil time in World History, and we shouldn't forget that it happened in advanced and cultured Europe. That's a message we must take to heart, and that is why I consider the terrible anti-Israel/antisemitic rhetoric coming out of even the most respected, academic and "open/Liberal" universities all over the world so troubling. The distortions in their thinking, teaching and ideologies are even more dangerous than  Hitler's rantings and Mein Kampf.

I see myself as a realist, a pragmatist. Do you agree?

Mourning, Comfort and Forgiving

It probably seems strange timing to write this post barely a couple of days after my son's wedding, but it's preying on my mind and must get out.  Yes, "preying" is the right word.

to prey

1

: to make raids for the sake of booty

2

a : to seize and devour prey

b : to commit violence or robbery or fraud

3

: to have an injurious, destructive, or wasting effect prey

ed upon his mind*

Less than two months ago my mother passed away.  It was the first time I became a mourner, in the halachik Jewish Law status.  I've learned a lot during this period of time.  I'm constantly amazed by the continued comfort and special greetings I get from neighbors and others who apologize for having missed the opportunity to comfort me during the shiva, the seven day mourning period when a mourner is supposed to cease all mundane activities and allow others to care for him/her. 

Living in a community of just a few hundred families, I can't say that I know everyone, but generally news like births and deaths are known.  We make efforts to help when help is needed, even when it's not to close friends.  That's a community.  I've benefited many, many times when my requests for rides home late at night from work are answered by people I've never even met.  Even over a month after getting up from shiva, my neighbors still stop me in the street to apologize for not visiting.

My only negative surprise was from people not here whom I had really expected to have called.  I had gotten promises of help from them before my mother died, and they certainly knew of her death... but not a word.  Davka, I had worked hard to calm down and dilute the anger for a friend who had experienced a similar thing complained to me.  We came to the conclusion that those who are further from a Torah observant life are less aware of the importance of comforting a mourner and in many cases don't realize that the period extends much longer than the shiva.  Also, when it's a mitzvah, Torah commandment, people do make an extra effort; it's not just an optional social event.  Another thing people don't realize is that the mourning/comfort extends much longer than shiva and even shloshim, the first thirty days after burial.

Chazal, our sages say that the funeral is to honor the dead and the shiva is for the bereaved.

When I very recently saw the people I had been expecting to hear from I kept waiting for words of comfort, even belated.  I gently got to the subject of my mother to fully ascertain that they really knew of her death.  I'm so used to living with people who are attuned to traditional Judaism, that I had trouble accepting that these other people haven't a clue that their behavior wasn't acceptable, a major faux pas for sure on both sides.  My anger, resentment isn't acceptable either.  It festers and must be destroyed.  We must learn to stamp out such feelings and smash them to smithereens like the glass broken to symbolize the destruction of Jerusalem at weddings.

*emphasis mine

Pictures from the funeral and cemetery

 

As usual, I had my trusty old camera with me at my mother's funeral.  I may have taken some of the pictures, for sure those before the actual funeral.  Then I'm pretty sure I handed it to a friend.  My mother is buried in the New Montefiore  Cemetery out on Long Island.  We got off at Exit 49 on the LIE and drove south.

My parents had bought their burial plots there in the Oakland Jewish Center section in about 1959. 

I'm pretty sure they lived next to us when we
were in the five room duplex in Bell Park Gardens.

They were founding members of the shul, Oakland Jewish Center, Bayside NY.  I was hoping to see lots of people I knew, I mean their names on tombstones.  No doubt I'll be back, and then I'll find their old friends.

My father has a lot of relatives in the Neshelsk (a city in Poland that once had a very large active Jewish community) section of a different cemetery.  A cousin was there visiting her parents and grandparents in between my mother's death and funeral.  She told them the news about my mother.

My mother's grave is near one of the outside walls.  It was pretty noisy, but that shouldn't bother her now.

Covering the grave was a group effort.  Due to a shoulder injury I was pretty useless with the shovel.  But I did drop a stone from Shiloh into the grave.  I had brought it with me to make sure my mother had something special from ארץ ישראל Eretz Yisrael, the Land of Israel.  Most of my mother's grandchildren and all of her great-grandchildren are in Israel.

I was surprised at how much deeper she's buried than we do here in Israel.  There are other differences, the American legally required coffin versus just the shrouds wrapped in a Tallit.  No, I didn't take up the offer to check/see the body.  My brother was pleased at how the shroud covered her.  She was in the simple coffin as all traditional Jews request.  There are many more "traditional Jews" when it comes to burials than living and breathing Jews.

In my community, Shiloh, Israel, actual "kri'ah," ripping of the clothes is the accepted standard.  My high school friend, with whom I had become religious almost fifty years ago,  did the first cut with a knife and Rabbi Dale Polakoff of the Great Neck Synagogue supervised, making sure that the rip was long enough.

Rabbi Polakoff made sure that my mother was well covered.  When the family and friends were gathering to leave, we could still he him heaving the earth onto my mother.  He was overheard telling the cemetery workers that he would take care of it himself.  I'd say that the Great Neck Synagogue is in good hands.

Baruch Dayan Ha'Emet

 

Shirley Spiegelman

שפרה בת אברהם וחיה ריזיה

Shifra bat Avraham and Chaya Raisia

 

לעילוי נשמתה

Li'ilu'i Nishmata

May her Soul be Elevated

The Blessing of a Full Shiva

"Shiva" is actually the Hebrew word for seven 7 שבע sheva.  The same linguistic root for week שבוע shavu'a and oath שְׁבוְּעָה shvu'ah. And just to make things more interesting, the letter שְׁ the "sh" sound has a little dot on the top right.  If you move it to the left, the sound is like an "s." Then the Hebrew שבע sava  means satisfied.

So since my mother died on the 7th of Tamuz, and there's no Jewish Holiday to cancel shiva I get the full seven days, including a Shabbat and time to have been at the funeral, sat with family, was comforted by friends in New York, then flew to Israel to be home in Shiloh, and I still have a full two days of shiva left.

I'm back in my "shiva uniform," ripped shirt and all.

A break from "sitting shiva"

We're not supposed to do overt public mourning on Shabbat.  So after landing  in Israel and getting home and sitting a couple of hours and being comforted by neighbors, I was finally able to take a shower and put on clean clothes and wear shoes.

After Shabbat I will take off my clean Shabbat clothes and put back on the clothes I wore to the funeral and had been wearing also on the plane.

My kids are taking good care of me.

I was picked up at the airport and bought coffee so I wouldn't fall asleep too early or too late.  When I got home, I could see that the house has been scrubbed and the livingroom rearranged.  We'll be eating a combination of the food brought in by neighbors and cooked by my kids.

I am not interfering.  Yes, I admit that not interfering is tough for me.

I really am sincerely grateful.

I have a super wonderful family and community.

Shabbat Shalom to all

Amazing Funeral, Great Tribute

Yesterday was my mother's funeral at the Oakland Jewish Center section of the New Montifiore Cemetery.  It was conducted by a Rabbi  ?Klein and with the participation of Rabbi Dale Polakoff of the Great Neck Synagogue. My many cousins plus some friends and other family members attended.  My brother, sister and I really appreciate it.  I was told that it was considered a large group.  I guess it was, because Rabbi Klein had asked if there would be a minyon of men, and we certainly had that.

The cousins, from both sides (to tell the truth, a stranger would not have been able to tell if they were my father's or mother's nieces and nephews) really enjoyed Rabbi Polakoff's description of my mother as "feisty."  This was a great tribute to their Aunt Shirley whom they obviously adored.

Observing my absolutely wonderful cousins in action together, I have no doubt that they all are a tribute to my parents, aunts, uncles and grandparents who produced this wonderful family I am privileged to be one of.
There aren't many families as amazing as mine.

My Cousin Howard opened his home to us for the post-funeral shiva.  He set it up as a proper shiva home, covered the mirrors and had water for ritual hand-washing outside the door.  One is supposed to wash one's hands when leaving a cemetery, but since he knew that we'd be going into the cars straight from the gravesite, he was prepared.  My sister-in-law brought low chairs from her Young Israel of Scarsdale, and my friend Rose made sure there was the traditional "seudat havra'ah" for the mourners to eat.  There was also kosher food for all, since many traveled long distances and we were all mourning.

It was truly a celebration of who and what my mother was and no doubt my mother would have greatly enjoyed the "party."

Afterwards I got back to my sister-in-law's and on old friend from Great Neck came over to "linachem."  His parents had been very generous to me in the years I had needed a place for Shabbat and holiday meals.  We hadn't seen each other for over forty years, but have had occasional email contact.  The Jewish World is amazing.

The day before, on Tuesday, there was a funeral ceremony for my mother in Phoenix Arizona, which my father was able to attend.  My NY daughter was there, too and stayed with my father after my sister and her husband traveled to New York for the burial.  Some of my mother's former caregivers joined the friends my parents had made in a Conservative Scottsdale Synagogue my parents have joined since their move from New York.  Also attending were many friends of my sister, her family and more.

Today the shiva continues at my sister and brother in law's home, then to JFK and my flight home to Shiloh where I will continue sitting until I get up on Tuesday morning, G-d willing.

li'ilu'i nishmata

May her soul be elevated...

Shifra bat Avraham and Chaya Raisia

Shirley Shankman Spiegelman

Jewish Funerals and Jewish Mourning Customs

I was going to post about security, politics, the more usual topics, but considering that I had been at two funerals and a wedding in less than twenty-four hours, the funerals are weighing in more on my thoughts than the lofty news in the media.

Unfortunately, in the almost forty-three years I've been in Israel I've attended dozens and dozens of funerals.  Some have been under the broiling, bright sun and others have been late at night, even starting after midnight.

According to Jewish Law, one is to have the funeral as soon, as quickly as possible, because it's considered cruel to the body to make it wait for burial.

In Shiloh we have adopted the Jerusalem custom of nighttime funerals, sometimes just a few hours after death.  Scheduling a funeral for midnight or later is not unheard of, especially when the person had died on Shabbat.  That's what happened just this Saturday night in Shiloh.  It was the second time in recent months when a neighbor died on Shabbat or minutes later, and then we buried him a few hours after Shabbat.

Our Chevra Kadisha, burial society, is local and quickly prepares the pre-dug grave in the local cemetery.  A few months ago, it was winter, so Shabbat ended early, and we had time for a "two stop" funeral.  The custom is to take the body to his/her home, synagogue etc. on the way to the cemetery.  That neighbor had a sizable part of his funeral by the yeshiva where he had worked and studied for over thirty years.  Then we took him to the cemetery for the final prayers, eulogies and burial.  We arrived home after 2am.

Saturday night, being spring, after Shabbat was very late, so the family decided to do the entire formal funeral service at the cemetery.  There were a number of eulogies from members of his large family.  And then he was buried in the Land he loved so enormously.

Jewish Law does not demand that people dress in "formal black" for a funeral.  We don't dress up like that.  It's a Christian custom. 

At an Israeli funeral you'll see bright colors and prints on the mourning family and friends.  The official halachik, according to Jewish Law, mourners know that their shirts will be ripped.  The ripped clothes will be worn the entire weeklong shiva period, except for Shabbat.  Bathing and combing of hair also isn't permitted except before Shabbat.  Shabbat overrides mourning. 

There are mourning customs that continue for thirty days after death, such as no shaving/haircutting, new clothes, listening to music and more.  If one is mourning for a parent, most of those restrictions continue for eleven months or a year.  Jewish holidays, such as Rosh Hashnnah, Yom Kippur, Shavuot and first day of Succot and of Passover cancel the shiva and thirty day שלושים shloshim restrictions.   For more details about it, contact your local Orthodox Rabbi, LOR or other expert source.

During shiva, the mourners should be cared for by friends and relatives who are not required to sit shiva.  Food should be prepared, phones answered etc.  The mourner may talk on the phone but it's nicer if someone else answers to make sure all the calls are necessary.

It's not the purpose of shiva to entertain visitors.  It's customary to bring food the mourner can eat or serve to those who had come from afar.  Sfardim, Jews from North Africa have the custom of providing various foods for the visitor to say blessings out loud.  Some, like the Yemenites, have feasts every night to honor the dead.

Li'ilu'i nishmatam

May their souls be elevated...